I was standing in a crowded church hall one Saturday evening a few weeks ago. The hall was full of singers from my partners choir and an energised audience that had enjoyed the first half of the concert. While sipping my free glass of wine, I found myself talking to several women I knew from the choir. Our polite conversation inevitably got around to Christmas and buying presents.

One of the women told us that she had already received a Christmas present of an iphone from her husband even though it was only the first week in December. I instantly thought that such an expensive present was bound to have been very well received but far from it ! This woman had not wanted an iPhone, as expensive as it was, for reasons that I will not go into and clearly she had not wanted her present more than three weeks before Christmas !

This story got me thinking about how it is that a present conveys such a powerful message to its recipient about how the giver thinks and feels about them. The very thought of receiving a present from the person we love creates an expectation that consciously or unconsciously it will make us feel good about ourselves, our partner and our relationship but unfortunately this does not always happen as was the case with the woman in this story. At the risk of making a generalisation, perhaps many men would acknowledge that the majority of us are less well attuned than women to buying presents that create a positive message ?

The message often mirrors patterns within the relationship. So, is the husband in this story really tuned into his wife's needs and how she would respond to his choice of present? Does the partner who buys the sexy underwear yet again reinforce his partners' perception that he is thinking more of his own needs than hers in the relationship? Does the husband, who gives his wife money, give the impression that he cannot be bothered to go and choose something for her and is he bothered in the relationship? Does the man who suggests leaving buying the present until the January sales convey the message that saving money is more important than how his partner will feel if she does not receive a present from him on Christmas Day? Surely, it is very likely that the person whose gift is nicely presented in a Christmas bag, perhaps finished with bow and ribbon rather than one badly wrapped in cheap paper, will show the same care and consideration to his partner within their relationship?

So, the challenge this Christmas, perhaps more for men than for women, is to think hard

about the message that you wish to convey to your partner through your choice of present and its presentation. The underlying message can influence your relationship not only over Christmas but well beyond.